Monday, August 17, 2009

Workout Guilt

After I hit 35 I had some pretty big changes and life lesson to learn. Truths and beliefs I had ingrained in me were critiqued, reviewed and in some cases thrown out. Life was turned upside down. During that time I began to realize the impact of guilt. I realized how family members, co-workers, friends and even how I used to guilt to drive behavior and results. Mainly I realized how much guilt impacted me and how unsupportive it is for me. This realization was just that...a realization and something that I try and recognize but its not something I have been able to free myself of.

Monday night at track we ran 400's with a minute rest ( I got to run in my new Nike Free's) . The group was doing anywhere from 10 -16 with the bulk of the people doing 16 and Beth ran 14. I had decided that I would run 12 since it was the first time doing speed work in a long time. Beth and I have similar paces and besides the first couple that were too fast, we ran them at 1:44's. The first 8 went well and we took a 2 minute break. On the 10th one is when I started feeling it and I thought I'd run 10. I had many excuses of why that would be ok. I kept running and did all 12.

Although I'm proud of myself for running 12 400's at a very consistent 1:44 lap, I felt guilty that I didn't run 14 with Beth. Or didn't run 16 like the rest of the group. It was getting hard and I made excuses that I'm coming off an injury and 3 miles of 400's is an excellent effort.

It has to do with havingness and allowing myself to feel like I've done well. Being impacted by guilt, my own and others, has prevented me from enjoying my accomplishments. There's always something else I could have..SHOULD have (bad thing to should on yourself) and not allow me to "have". I know that I had a strong workout, ran outside of my comfort zone and kept going even though 10, 11 and 12 were very tough. I'm getting stronger, building speed and endurance.

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